Life has unexpected ways of coming full circle. As an only child, I got used to having just myself for company quite early. It never really bothered me when my parents would go out in the evenings to attend parties or meet friends. For me, that meant more time in my room with my books (no, NOT the ones I was supposed to study from), my thoughts and just…myself. So, I learnt about the ‘bliss of solitude’ before reading those immortal verses in ‘Daffodils’
Now, once again as I find myself in a different room with my books and my thoughts for company, my mind goes back to those early days and I think- so much has changed and yet; not much has changed. Both chicks have flown the nest but it doesn’t feel empty. It’s become more private and more ‘mine’. It’s my haven of retreat, my ‘good place’ where I can unwind, relax and do as I please. At my age that consists mainly of napping whenever I want, not dusting or clearing up and lounging in my shabbiest clothes.
So, do I embrace my solitude more willingly because I have a job that requires me to stand every day in front of various groups of assorted adolescents and exercise my vocal chords? And tests my patience/tolerance levels? Maybe. I’m certainly all talked out by the time I get home. But again, age could be a factor here. Because there was a time when I used to embrace even longer hours spent in classrooms with my students and come home to plan what I would do with them the next day. What has changed then? Or, as I approach retirement, am I sub-consciously readying myself for a quiet, student-free existence?
One thing I have learnt is that solitude is definitely addictive. The more one gets used to it, starts revelling in it, the harder it gets to deal with people. I can quite easily turn into a recluse and not even realise that the extent of my daily social interaction would be opening the door for the maid and saying ‘Hmm’ when she tells me she’s done.
Is my solitude easier to embrace because I know that the alternative also exists? Because although the chicks have flown, they are just a phone call away? And that I can text them several times a day? Or spend half an hour on Facetime with one, giggling hysterically over all the dialogues of ‘Sholay’. And spend an entire day with another, just shopping, eating out and doing random ‘mother-daughter’ stuff? Take away these precious moments and my bliss of solitude could very well turn into the hell of loneliness.
Work comes with an age limit, colleagues don’t always stay in touch. People move on or move away but close friends are invaluable. They’re like those stars in the sky that you don’t always see but know they’re there. And any amount of time spent with friends is like a tonic for the soul. The only other tonic is spending quality time with yourself. Once you experience the satisfaction of being able to walk into a cinema hall or restaurant by yourself, have a good time and walk out- it’s liberating. From then on, you can take yourself anywhere, be yourself, by yourself and never have a dull moment. Who knows- someone may look at you and think ‘Lucky thing, she’s by herself’ instead of ‘Poor thing, she’s all alone’ Now that would really make my day!
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