Lock: down and in- Be careful what you ask for and all that…

To say that 2020 did not start well would be putting it mildly. But for me, the bad part started somewhere around June 2019 and just carried on from there. And no, there was no tragic incident that disrupted the even tenor of my life. But on the work front, I had started looking forward to retirement almost on a daily basis. I longed for the day when school bells would cease to matter. I yearned for a time that I could call my own, free from the aggravation of a fixed daily routine.

Added to which, there was so much going on around me, that did not affect me personally, but which I found very disturbing. I had become a news junkie and not much of it was good. It was like being sucked into a spiral of unsettling events, conflicting opinions accompanied by the clamour of voices and images coming at me from all sides on social media. And I carried it around with me, all through the day and well into the night. But there was a sense desperation that was building up- how long can things go on like this? It has to stop. There has to be a respite. But no, the next day only brought more of the same.

Don’t get me wrong- my life is full and I am content and busy. But somehow my monkey mind had got hold of some nuts and was running around with them constantly. I used to get the feeling that we were hurtling towards some unexplained doomsday scenario. And all I wanted was the peace and quiet of home, time to myself, with the magical ability to shut out the outside world and switch off my monkey mind.

And then the coronavirus appeared on the scene. This was the doomsday scenario all right. It was happening across the world, taking over our lives slowly at first but inexorably. The news got grimmer by the day and pretty soon everything else had taken a back seat to this new virus. Fear, dread and anxiety had crept into our thoughts in varying degrees and taken up residence there. Nobody could escape it.

So, when the world began to lock itself down, country by country it seemed like just the next episode in this doomsday serial. It was almost a relief when it reached here. Unreal; like this-can’t-be-happening but nevertheless, kind of a weary relief. It’s finally here.

It’s not often that wishes come true or longings are fulfilled. Many times they dissipate with the passage of time and leave behind wisps of memories that they once existed. But sometimes they do come true and in a manner that is completely unexpected. This time is one of those times.

Thanks to the 21 day lockdown, I now have unlimited me-time at home, quiet, solitude and the freedom to do whatever I want. Time seems to have paused and the calendar has no meaning. I don’t even notice when morning changes to noon and the sky darkens into night. My wish has come true with a vengeance. But not in the way I had longed for.

I wake up to the chirping of birds and not the alarm. But there’s always the lurking spectre of what’s happening in the world outside my house. The whole day stretches ahead invitingly, no to-dos or must-dos lined up. But there’s also constant anxiety about the health and safety of loved ones- both near and far. Meals and meal times are up in the air. Complete freedom of choice is what I have. But how can I relish it when I know that there are now thousand of others who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. (news junkie- told you!)

And that’s when I tell myself:

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be…

Take that, monkey mind!!